Would you kindly say I'm handsome?
by Asuka Sakura26
Summary: A what if fic. Jack gets cured earlier than expected. Written in 2nd POV. Crackfic/OOC.Hehe title is not really related to the story lol .Please read and review.Thanks!


A/N: This is a what if story. Mostly in 2nd person POV. I don't speak German. That is all. Enjoy.

Legend:

**Dialogue **

_Thoughts_

Game options

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Your name is Jack. You are trapped in Rapture. Hell under the sea. Filled with crazy disfigured things who used to be human out to get you. A city made by the madman who ordered the ugly to kill you. A place crawling with creepy barefooted brainwashed little girls with their heavy smelly guardians. (Where are the little boys anyway?)

But you had no problem. You were invincible. A sick variety of plasmids? Check. Weapons of mass destruction? Check. Sanity? Hmm..still intact..maybe. Chain tattoo on your wrist? Yep. Still there. Infinite ability to keep your mouth shut during boring conversations and events? Check.

_It's all about indifference baby._

You stepped on a dead splicer's face after looting its body for useful items. It was so noisy when it was still alive. It kept running too much as well. But there was nothing that can run or hide from you. _Those cowardly bastards._

It's still waving at you. _Creepy_. You ran out of ammo shooting the thing. _Stupid_ *(glitch)*

You so want to finish this quickly so you can go back to the surface and have some hot chocolate. Steak would be good too. So far you only had stale chips and expired chocolate bars down here. You rushed to the bathroom a lot of times already and your stomach still hurts.

You see no ugly splicers for now. You rest for a while. You scratched your left hand. The chain tattoo on your left hand was itchy. Heck even your ass was itchy. You spent a total of 8 minutes scratching your rear end. You need a bath badly and some new clothes.

How long were you down here again?

Static. Your radio wasn't working. You ultimately lose all contact with Atlas. Now where the hell were you supposed to go?

You suddenly see a little girl in front of you, making you jump. You wonder where the heck she came from and how she sneaked towards you without you knowing. _All hail the tiny squirt's ninja skills._

Her eyes weren't glowing and she didn't have that scary voice. You scratched your head in confusion. You were thankful she didn't have that "The Grudge" thing instead though. Why was she here? You look at her tiny hands. No ADAM. Not even a present.

How rude. It was your birthday after all!

Of course no one knew that. You tilt your head to the right when she gave you a big toothy smile (several teeth were missing...eew.) and called you Mr. J over and over while jumping. She then said "**Follow me! Hurry!".**

You followed her as she ran ahead because you were curious. You groaned as you passed by that splicer a while ago (hands still waving at you...your eyes twitched in annoyance). Again. For the third time. You feel like you were going in circles. She laughed and said "**No silly...This way!".** There were no shortcuts. She mentioned that you won't fit in the vent that she and her sisters crawl into because you were huge. You thought she was lucky because she didn't call you fat. What trouble that would cause.

She called you a slowpoke when you missed a turn around that corner. You frowned. If only she didn't run so fast. You were also getting tired. You felt like an idiot for being outsmarted by a little kid. Was this some sort of game to her? You felt like going somewhere else. You began planning your next action.

*Press Square to run, Press Triangle to turn around, walk away, hands in your pockets while whistling or Circle to cancel and follow her as she requested*

(You pressed Circle.)

The girl then screamed "ugly". You got offended.

You began to wonder why there wasn't an option "Press X to tie up girl and feed to the sharks".

She ran back to you screaming, being chased by a splicer who was foaming in the mouth. You ready your bloody wrench, disgusted.

To say the splicer was indeed very ugly was an understatement. But still you were paranoid. She could have meant "Ugly! There's an ugly man chasing me!".

_Talk about redundancy_. But you "Jack" was not ugly. No...you couldn't be.

You had to deal with the splicer. Distraction could lead to death. Worse you could have spit all over you. Yeah you heard right. Death is no issue when you have Vita Chambers. But enemies foaming in the mouth were much trouble. It's annoying and disgusting. Who knows if that spit could also double as acid? That it was the splicer's weapon instead of the pipe it was holding.

Of course you wouldn't want to find out.

You tripped the splicer and "it" fell on its face. _Stupid splicer._ The girl laughed and stayed behind your back as you finished the "meanie" by hitting it repeatedly with the wrench until its brain was like goo. She thanked you afterwards. She holds your hand this time leading the way so you won't get lost. Again. You would think it was so cute and sweet if only she had cleaner hands. You cringed.

You finally reached Tenebaum's safehouse. "_What are we doing here?...What am I doing here?"_ You wondered in your head. "_But still...a small detour wouldn't hurt."_

It reeked. You covered your nose. _At least the german lady should've cleaned the girls but no..._

You saw a lot of little girls. All of them looked the same!

_Clones?_

You sincerely believed these little girls had serious ninja skills. Cloning technique? Sweet! You turned around and the girl with you awhile ago disappeared. Where did she run off to? Probably playing somewhere? Nah. The kid teleported! Yeah! But you didn't see a puff of smoke when she disappeared. Hmmm...you just shrugged and kept walking.

You decided that you shall not stoop low and ask these little girls to be your master.

You stared at the childish and colorful drawings on the wall. Some of them were really ugly. Some kids were gossiping. You pretended that you weren't listening. Then you heard someone commenting about your face and your clothes but it wasn't clear. But before you could move closer, a girl went in front of you and stared. You stared back. You both had a staring contest. Some kids made a bet who would win. It took too long and they got bored.

The girl didn't budge so you made an "uh..." face. "_Okay fine you win! I'm not doing this anymore!" _You thought in your head. You sidestepped and kept walking. You resisted an urge to steal a bar of chocolate from a little girl nearby to replenish your energy. _But it looked so yummy!_ She seemed to notice that you were drooling so she bit a large piece of it. You frowned.

"_Selfish little..."_ you thought.

You shrugged once again and wondered why Atlas couldn't reach you yet.

The first thing that you would ask him is that...if there were vending machines that contained chocolate somewhere in Rapture...that weren't expired. But...who cares! You wanted out of this place now!

**"Herr Jack. We finally meet."**

That was Tenenbaum speaking, interrupting your thoughts. You were so exhausted by now that your legs felt like jelly. You fell. Brigid tried to help you up but you couldn't stand. So she left you there on the floor (since forcing your legs won't do anything and you were heavy). You sat there in disbelief and the scientist opened her mouth to start talking. You motioned a hand that she wait and struggled to stand. You wouldn't want to sit on the floor since it's dirty. Really dirty.

After four failed attempts, you succeeded and leaned on the wall, feeling happy with your little accomplishment. But you did not smile. You had to look cool, composed. Brigid offered a chair but you refused. Standing looks cooler. You crossed your arms and looked indifferent.

_Now about a manly scar on the face and a jacket with feathers..._

Tenembaum was a patient woman but she felt the necessity to rub her forehead. _Who was he trying to imitate?_ She couldn't start when you insisted to help yourself up.

Then she told you to listen carefully. You felt like this was gonna be long and hoped that you wouldn't die of boredom.

She starts by telling that without your knowledge, she tampered with all the security cameras within the vicinity.

_Okay...so that helps how? Oh...That Ryan fellow couldn't follow or see me. Good._

**"You're here because I want to tell you something before it's too late."**

_All right spill it lady._

**"First of all...Your life was a lie."**

_What?_

**"You have no free will and you are being controlled. Fontaine is gone but it is still there. You need help ASAP."**

_What the hell? _

You take time for the information to sink in. _Fontaine...who? Oh him...that enemy of that Ryan person who relentlesstly tries to kill me but he's nothing..._

_What are you talking about woman? _You look at your arms. _No strings!_ You thought _'How can I be controlled? What do you mean no free will!_'.

You actually stepped and pissed on a splicer's face earlier when it went unconscious because you had to jingle...bad. _'Ha! Well that counts as your own decision, doesn't it?_' You laughed in your head. _'What do ya mean help! You're crazy! I don't need any! I'm not crazy like all of you!_'

You sincerely think that the German lady was nuts. Well everyone in Rapture was nuts.

You kissed your "muscles of steel" and laughed for real this time (A/N: Like the laugh of Tekken's Bryan Fury), looking proudly at your weapons and bloody burnt hand (The Incinerate plasmid ready hand). _Who took care of those splicers? Me! Who says I have no free will! __Ha!Whatever b-. __I could've been dead if I didn't choose the right stuff! Oh yeah I'm strong and you all know it! _

Tenenbaum actually felt like slapping you because you looked stupid, dancing there after laughing like a madman. She slapped her own forehead instead in exasperation. She felt a migraine coming. There were lot of things to do.

You stopped whatever you were doing and became suddenly serious. You covered your ears not wanting to hear any more bs in case there were more. Tenenbaum's jaw dropped as you stood up, turned your heel and started to walk out of the room. _Enough of this crap!_ _You wasted my time lady._ _I'm outta here_!

She stops you and promises you"proof". You look around and find nothing in her hands. You raise an eyebrow and start to ready your plasmids the moment she tries to stop you again (by injecting yourself with EVE when she wasn't looking). You switched to Electrobolt and you sneakily hid your wrench behind your back. You never cared about Parental Guidance shows anyway back at home anyway.

_'Kids or no kids...she's going down!_' you thought.

She sighs (she saw you loading your plasmids awhile ago) and says something instead:"**Jack would you kindly sit down."** Your body moved on its own and you sat down like an obedient puppy. You make a "wha?" face. The girls stopped playing and watched attentively.

"**Would you kindly straighten up your face? That looks really...stupid."** You immediately show a poker face involuntarily. _The hell?_ You couldn't make an expression but you were cussing in your head. Before you could stand up and leave/escape, you are told "**Would you kindly just sit down. Wait here and don't move a muscle**.".

You stayed very still and stiff as rock. You find that you do not breathe. You start turning blue.

Tenenbaum turns back and yells "**Breathe normally you idiot! Uh...would you kindly? Ah...why so specific?".** You feel air again in your lungs. The girls gather around you giggled and started giving commands. All of it had the words "Would you kindly". You began to notice that you heard that a lot the whole time you spent in this goddamn place. You were sick of it everytime you hear it from Atlas and now you were getting sick of it again.

A girl tells you to jump on one foot. The other girl tells you to dance. A girl tells you to clap your hands just like a monkey with cymbals. You hear various others. All of them were very silly and your head started to hurt as your body tried to follow each one. Tenenbaum told them to stop. You are eternally grateful. Your jaw was starting to hurt from the smile command. You hear several "awws" and saw their shoulders dropped in defeat. You also heard a girl mumble the word "killjoy" under her breath while she walked away.

You finally collapsed from exhaustion and woke up to see ribbons on your hair.

Your jaw dropped at how many it were and the different colors. You glared at Tenenbaum when she stifled a laugh at your appearance. She tells you more about your situation as you removed each damn ribbon.

You find out more about that despicable phrase. She didn't have time to explain because you suddenly fainted. You discover about your birth. You couldn't move in shock. You are told that she had cured you of your mental conditioning in your sleep. You sighed in relief. No more stupid commands. Your eyes stung (you rubbed them immediately on reflex) when you find that the woman brutally murdered in her bed was actually your mother. You had feeling but dismissed it. In your false memory, you had parents, you had a life. Now it was all a lie.

You found out who your father was. You had the "say what!" and then "you've got to be kidding me" look. You are told everything there is to know.

If only Fontaine was here, you would have strangled him while you whacked his head with the wrench. Then chopped his body into pieces and throw them out to the sharks.

Lastly she gave you instructions to the antidote for "code yellow" and gives you earplugs that she demands you to wear. You obediently wear them as they look "cool". She tells you to make haste and get the antidote before Atlas notices.

She then suddenly pushed you outside. Your bottom hurt from the fall and you glared at the door behind you. You realized Atlas finally fixed the signal so you ran out of there fast. Panting, you wiped your forehead with your arm. You then smoothed the creases from your sleeve and casually walked like nothing happened,whistling. Atlas demands an answer as to where the hell you were then shrugs because you answer him with silence. Indifference remember?

Smooth. Real smooth.

You nodded to whatever he said (you still had that earplugs on, relieved that it worked. Atlas was such a noise sometimes) and started walking. You noticed your radio was now sparkly clean and functional. Shiny. You pretended to listen to Atlas for another 5 minutes kept on nodding. Then pretended to be angry. You acted like you were still willing to kill Andrew Ryan.

You tried to make smoke come out of your nostrils and charged like a bull. Atlas shouted "**Stop that you idiot!"**

You continued on your way to bring chaos to Rapture. Composed. Shotgun on hand. Glaring at every object you see. Your acting was flawless. You had perfect aim. You threw your wrench. Yes...you threw it from a distance and bam!

Down goes that bloody splicer.

You arrived at Andrew Ryan's office. You stopped a few seconds and thought "_It's showtime!"._ You ignored Ryan's speech behind the glass (you couldn't hear any of it anyway). You knew most of it anyway. You looked at the wall. There were pictures linked with red strings. You lingered on your picture.

You thought you were freaking hot.

There were red (wait...is that blood?) words on it. It had that phrase you despised-"WOULD YOU KINDLY". Inwardly you cringed but outwardly you snorted like a man. You took off Andrew Ryan's picture,Jasmine Jolene's picture and your picture off the wall and put it in your pocket.

You just realized you were sentimental.

You picked up an audio diary. To this moment you didn't know why you bloody picked every single one you saw and placed it in your pocket after playing them. Your pants were so heavy but you shrugged and called it "weights because you were training". This diary now had a deranged doctor, a kid and one poor puppy. You hastily put it down in disgust. You were leaking. No not down there! And no you weren't crying! You just had something in your eyes! _'I need a tissue_.' you thought. There was none.

In this place there was nothing probably sanitary. Like the poor Big Daddies...their organs drafted to suits. Blood everywhere. Vomit everywhere (nope not ADAM). Bad indoor plumbing.

You lost interest with the wall and turned back to Ryan's speech about something (About a man and a slave). You rolled your eyes. The old man couldn't stop talking. Ryan was dumbfounded. You ignored his commands to sit and run like an idiot without knowing it. Atlas noticed at once and demanded an explanation but Ryan threw the radio before Atlas could say anything more. You stared at the pieces. _Oh well._ _Goodbye shiny radio._

Then Ryan hugged you. "**My boy!"** You froze in shock. He had a relieved expression. Then he started laughing. You were still in shock.

Ryan hits your back with his hand when you still didn't move. You start coughing. He laughs and says "**Relax boy!".**

He then says you look like him. You were appalled by this. _'No I do not!_'

Andrew then proposed an alliance to take down Atlas once and for all. He threw the key to Rapture's destruction in the garbage bin and reactivated the Vita Chamber (A/N: Just wanted to add that).

You are now faced with two choices (you just remembered you had that good or evil personality):

**-Savior route-**

You decided to help your father Andrew Ryan. Gave him a high five which he reluctantly accepted.

He told you that he would deactivate all means of possible communication or cameras for Atlas to use...to maybe taunt you or send splicers was a look of disbelief on your face. Ryan glared and told you to get going.

You ran like hell and stuck your tongue at every splicer. You grabbed the antidote to code yellow and fought a few splicers on the way.

You twirled your wrench after a kill then made a sound that sounded something like "Oh yeah!" followed by a female voice that came out of nowhere "**Conflict resolved!"** (A/N:FF7 Crisis Core reference).

Or at least that's what you thought it sounded like.

You went back to Andrew...I mean your father. Ryan insisted to come with you to Atlas. You made a shocked face but since he couldn't be persuaded otherwise, you sighed at his absolute stupidity. You had your weapons and plasmids but he had only a gun and would surely die if you weren't there.

You thought of knocking him out but he said he was prepared. He wore a helmet just in case.

_Again what an idiot._

You thought how messed up this is. You both reached Atlas' hideout. There was no man but only a hideous looking monster. Ryan called Atlas an idiot for messing too much with ADAM. He laughed and pointed at Atlas. You agreed. He did look ridiculous.

You laughed along with your father and you both rolled on the floor laughing.

Atlas or Mr. Ugly (as you had dubbed him) was extremely ticked off. You and your father try to keep a serious face. Mr. Ugly reveals that he was Fontaine all along and threatens to kill you both. Once again you rolled your eyes. _So? You're still ugly and I still have to kill you._

Your father snorted. You were the one with the plasmids so you decide to finish Fontaine/Ugly by yourself (your father gets knocked out earlier..in two minutes tops. Sigh). You were given instructions by Tenenbaum's voice (wherever she was) on how to kill Atlas.

Beat him up,stab him in the chest with the needle (a lot) if he gets into his Adam contraption thingy. Repeat.

In the end, the little girls that you saved helped you kill Mr. Ugly. You smiled at the girls in gratitude and heaved a sigh. Then you laughed like a lunatic.

You were alive! Okay no more going anymore in suspicious lighthouses! You joined hands with the girls and jumped in circles. You began to think if you want to return to the surface with them or help your father (who still refuses to return to the topside) restore Rapture to its former glory. You shake your head at the outrageous idea.

_The old man's crazy! It's obvious that this place is hopeless!_

You carried your unconscious father. You have decided to take him to the surface with you whether he likes it or not. Screaming and kicking if needed. You scowled at the sight of a splicer in the way and motioned for the girls to hide or go back to Tenenbaum using the vents that they usually use. You proceeded to break the splicer's skull with your trusty bloody and rusty wrench.

More splicers come and you run for your life (dragging whoever is there with you). You were out of EVE after all.

You find one or three! Now it was their turn to run.

You finally reached the surface. A rainbow was in the sky. Birds where chirping. The breeze was cool, refreshing. The girls were happy to see the sun after the rain.

Now to find food and shelter...

**"My city!" **

You blew up the bathysphere in annoyance when Andrew Ryan woke up and tried to go back.

THE END.

**-Evil/Harvester Route-**

You decided you were evil. You pretended to examine you father's golf club. You laughed at your father's proposal. He told you to stop your maniacal laughter and then you killed him with his golf club.

_No one stops the evil laugh!_

You joined Atlas/Fontaine. You both raised the bloody golf club in celebration. He liked the bloody golf club and hanged it somewhere (wherever his main hideout is) to display as a trophy. After all you used the damn thing to bash Ryan's brains out.

You laughed together.

Or so he thought. No one laughs with you or at you. You killed him too and left this stinking place. You leave with a bang by blowing everything up to smithereens.

THE END.

A/N: -UPDATED 11/23/2011- I really had fun editing this. LOL. This version is much better than the last one. I hope I amused you. Throughout the whole game the protagonist is silent so that's why you don't talk. Reviews would be loved. Gotta sleep. Bye!


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